Just wanted to say that after all, I change the theme and everything.
Perhaps just some default stuff in here, because this edit just disturbs me.
R.
29/11/2025
Update about blog visual
Why people actually hates on Muslim fighters (and globally on Muslims)
So, here's the thing you guys, about West hating on Muslim people.
Let's start with that sad fact, that Western people were ALWAYS hateful to different things. Brah can you imagine how much stuff I hate? I guess you do.
And what's even more alarming that most of WHITE people hates on different things.
So, there's the thing that people usually fears of things they can't understand. I get it.
I fear socialising because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE!!! Whether they are White, Black, Purple... (well, maybe I would understand Purplies, I love purple colour most.)
I get that people are scared of disabled people. Dude without leg is just scary. I literally have childhood trauma from dude who was legless and always purposelly put his stump on crutch (he had this old one triangle crutch) whenever I passed him with my mother. He bloody knew what he was doing, I was later told that he does it on purpose to scare people (kids?)
Besides ... how the hell to talk with disabled people (who actually can talk, of course) without them or their friends or absolutely unrelated internet people, to whine about disrespect? It's just... difficult. You are curious, but any question can be a missile. And you don't want this, unless you're masochist.
So, what's easier? Yes, to be hateful. To shift focus from your bullshit to other people's bullshit, so you can feel less disturbed by your own bullshit. Which is just, bullshit.
Then there's history of White people and colonisation of America continent and all the wiping out the original residents of said continent. Most of guys saw these people as a threat, because they were just different from what they knew. I don't know where the instinct to "kill this unknown creature" came from, though and I don't like it. Of course there were people who tried to understand.
I'ts pretty portrayed in Dr. Quinn series by the way. (Though yeah, it's a little bit cringe and some stuff also unrealistic given the medicine level back then.) There is portrayed how White people viewed Indians, how they viewed African born, how said people of colour tried to fit in...
And so here is the hate towards Muslim (fighters).
I actually do understand why people hates on Muslims in general. Like, it's not bloody surprising. Here's why:
I recently read webpage about muslims life and some stuffs are really fucking backwarded and some just... disgusting.
For example, the website states, that, according to Islam, woman can't say no to her husband, unles she's ill or on her period. Which is for me, as woman, just... bro.
Also, before I discovered, or rather, confirmed, that I am indeed ACE, I always more or less forced myself. Because I was trying to be "normal" and because I didn't want to see sour faces, and because "it belongs to relationship". I didn't want to be rude. So I followed the flow. Even if I wasn't in the mood and just... didn't feel like having any form of sex.
Which is what, allegedly, Muslim woman must also put up with. Saying, "no Abdullah I am not in the mood tonight" is, according to that web, some sort of insult to Allah or whatever. It's just... unhinged.
I recently read webpage about muslims life and some stuffs are really fucking backwarded and some just... disgusting.
For example, the website states, that, according to Islam, woman can't say no to her husband, unles she's ill or on her period. Which is for me, as woman, just... bro.
Also, before I discovered, or rather, confirmed, that I am indeed ACE, I always more or less forced myself. Because I was trying to be "normal" and because I didn't want to see sour faces, and because "it belongs to relationship". I didn't want to be rude. So I followed the flow. Even if I wasn't in the mood and just... didn't feel like having any form of sex.
Which is what, allegedly, Muslim woman must also put up with. Saying, "no Abdullah I am not in the mood tonight" is, according to that web, some sort of insult to Allah or whatever. It's just... unhinged.
And another hate what Muslims often gets is because their dude Mohammed married 7yo kid when he was 50+ and consummated said marriage with her when she was 9.
And it. IS. Pretty. DISGUSTING! Like...
I know: different era, different culture, different whatever, but you just can't do it with baby, man, come on. Wait when she's at least legal... (welp, the legality of having sex was established in modern age as far as I know...)
From modern (Western) point of view, it's just, Mohammed being paedophile and it's wrong thing to do. End of story.
Of course, few hundreds years ago it was mostly normal even in Western culture. ....For royal families...
King Carl Quatro got married with Blanche of Valois when they were six years old - though they didn't consummate their marriage, logically.
Last wife of King Carl Quatro was fourteen when she married him while he was alredy over fifty.
And yes, it's bloody odd as well. But... why 14 years old girl feels less weird than 9 years old girl... I don't know.
From Muslim's point of view - according to the webpage,- woman is marriageable (is that even word?) as soon as her first period happens. However backwarded it is.
(So, Aisha perhaps was early flower and got her period when she was 9. Poor girl.)
But, let's be even more narrow, Islam is all made up and written by a man and men mostly thinks with their testicles, right?
But let's just not talk about thinking through testicles and medical stuff about how vagina is developing during girl's growing...
Or about that nonsense that young girls who are still growing up (both physically and mentally) are better to breed up than fully grown woman...
Let's talk about the actual hate towards Dagestani fighters.
I don't even know how did I get to it, but I discovered that MMA Guru (dude with ugly beard who is apparently more hateful than Sean Strickland, me and Andrew Tate together) got into some beef with another youtuber and ... practically with everyone.
Because Islam Makhachev DARED to win Welterweight title over Jack Della Maddalena.
And this dude with ugly beard had this stuff namecalling Islam Makhachev and talking shit about him being inbred and goatfucker and I don't know what else. (Though it's a little bit ironic because Islam is GOAT of UFC at this point, so calling him goatfucker is a little... well, ironic.)
While he was being online streaming his reaction about said fight.
And people, logically, disliked it.
Because, yeah, think whatever you like, but ... shut the fuck up. At least when you're streaming. I know, emotions and whatever, but as far as I know, it's not only MMA Guru thing.
Islam, Khabib and other Dagestani fighters are often namecalled by UFC fans. And I understand, why.
I understand that this religion and culture is a bit... well not for weak stomachs.
I have (obviously) a lot of opinions about Islam (not Makhachev, that religion).
BUT.
But there is the BUT.
There is difference between explaining what disturbs me and why, and namecalling because dude won the belt over other dude.
I got into the disturbing stuff about Aisha and Prophet Mohammed and women disallowed to say no to sex.
It is what most of Western people won't get over, because, women fought for their freedom of choice for ages and there still are men who would establish those rules if they could in one, two.
I'm not saying everyone, bro, we indeed had (have) those fucked up cases with Christians molesting their own kids and priests molesting ministrants and it's just, the same disgusting stuff. Sure, Atheists do that too. People are just weird.
And normal people are honestly horrified. Whether it's Muslim, Christian, black or white. Or any other colour and religion. (Although, as far as I noticed -I am big watcher of True Crime podcasts- the religious dudes and dudesses are the worst in this whole crap. Mostly dudes, because, as we said, men thinks with their testicles.)
People who seems to be only focused on Muslims doing stuff like that to their women and chilldren, it doesn't mean they don't acknowledge what's going on on our end. And as for the saying that Whites (generally) commits said crimes more than Muslims is because Muslims covers it up. It won't end up in worldwide news. Rarely. But even the rarely is enough for people to be horrified.
Perhaps, because some of those people would like to believe that it's not happening elsewhere.
There's also often said that (I don't know how much it is true or not) Muslims never attacked White women or children in any way. I better to do research, some statistics or whatever, because, I just DON'T. KNOW.
I know about some cases with White woman married Muslim dude because he was nice, charming, blahblahblah... and he then beat the shit outta her and restricted her and shit like that, but I don't know about street cases.
Then, there is the disturbing stuff with goats (also sheep). I don't know and I DON'T WANT to know if some of Dagis ever DID relieve themselves with any kind of animal. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, OKAY?
But truth is, it's allowed... Or at least, it was allowed and perhaps even still is.
(Note - I must google it out)
For West, it's also disgusting. Sure we HAVE zoophilia stuff going on, because people are just unhinged, but for majority, it's just awful. And also, it's crime. In West and perhaps in other cultures and ... I better to do research but I never heard of any other religion or culture except Islam/Middle East to be allowed to have. sex. with. animals.
Another, but not unusual! and not even this disturbing, bro... is marrying cousins.
Dagestan-haters have problem with Khabib Nurmagomedov married his DISTANT cousin. They somehow left out that she wasn't his FIRST cousin. But hundred times removed. From different family branch. They only see the word COUSIN.
And, hey, I understand that it's a bit weird, but, just look at Habsburgs.
Look at Whittaker family. (I'm NOT talking about Robert Whittaker)
Look at ancient Egypt, where girl married her Pharaoh dad, gave birth to Pharaoh's son, which was also Pharaoh's grandson and because girl was also Pharaoh's sister, she gave birth not only to her son, but her cousin and nephew... and then she married that boy when he was Pharaoh... brah.
I somehow believe marrying your cousin-hundred-removed is less evil than this unhinged ancient Egypt mess.
If someone was truly inbred, it was dude who built great pyramid and his sons.. and whatever else they were.
And Habsburgs.
Of course there perhaps are some crossmarriages out of ...uhm...necessity, it's small country etc... but, boy, do you have their DNA results? I doubt that.
And, after all, whoever Islam or Khabib married, how old she was, if they relief on goats or whatever bullshit is said about Muslims whether it's based on facts or not, it has nothing to do with how they fights.
It has completely nothing to do with the results. Islam Makhachev is Welterweight champion.
Deal with it.
As for me, I FIND Islam (the religion) very disturbing because of its view of women. I read that Aisha was badass, educated, and whatever, but, it doesn't mean that other women were or are allowed to be educated and whatever.
Hell they're still victimised! They're not allowed to fight back when man attacks them!
Heck I wish someone would just get it together and learn Muslim women self-defense. And allow them to do combat sports professionally. It's not like they must sport in bra and shorts, there are options.
(And if you guys find distracting that women's clothes are tight, then just learn to ignore that.
If you can train your self-control over this and that, you can train your self-control over women wearing tighter clothes!)
So, lets TL;DR
People (majorly Western) are scared of things they don't know or understand.
Instead of trying to know and understand, they try to insult it or chase it away -in the better scenario.
Islam Makhachev won Welterweight title over Jack Della Maddalena.
Dude who calls himself MMA Guru called Makhachev names while streaming.
Other youtuber called him out for it.
They have a beef, chicken and whatever.
I get why MMA Guru (why the heck is he even calling himself that, ffs) might be uncomfortable with Muslims.
I get why people in general are hateful towards Muslims (however hypocritical it is.)
Islam (the religion) truly HAS disturbing ...rules, history, idk.
I don't like those things too, I'm weirded out, horrified, disgusted.
Anything said DON'T excuse MMA Guru to spit and spew on Islam Makhachev JUST BECAUSE HE WON THE BELT!!!
Say normally "I don't like this and that, because I find it disgusting and weird and dude would be jailed in here."
and go on.
Focus on the fight, bro.
R.
And it. IS. Pretty. DISGUSTING! Like...
I know: different era, different culture, different whatever, but you just can't do it with baby, man, come on. Wait when she's at least legal... (welp, the legality of having sex was established in modern age as far as I know...)
From modern (Western) point of view, it's just, Mohammed being paedophile and it's wrong thing to do. End of story.
Of course, few hundreds years ago it was mostly normal even in Western culture. ....For royal families...
King Carl Quatro got married with Blanche of Valois when they were six years old - though they didn't consummate their marriage, logically.
Last wife of King Carl Quatro was fourteen when she married him while he was alredy over fifty.
And yes, it's bloody odd as well. But... why 14 years old girl feels less weird than 9 years old girl... I don't know.
From Muslim's point of view - according to the webpage,- woman is marriageable (is that even word?) as soon as her first period happens. However backwarded it is.
(So, Aisha perhaps was early flower and got her period when she was 9. Poor girl.)
But, let's be even more narrow, Islam is all made up and written by a man and men mostly thinks with their testicles, right?
But let's just not talk about thinking through testicles and medical stuff about how vagina is developing during girl's growing...
Or about that nonsense that young girls who are still growing up (both physically and mentally) are better to breed up than fully grown woman...
Let's talk about the actual hate towards Dagestani fighters.
I don't even know how did I get to it, but I discovered that MMA Guru (dude with ugly beard who is apparently more hateful than Sean Strickland, me and Andrew Tate together) got into some beef with another youtuber and ... practically with everyone.
Because Islam Makhachev DARED to win Welterweight title over Jack Della Maddalena.
And this dude with ugly beard had this stuff namecalling Islam Makhachev and talking shit about him being inbred and goatfucker and I don't know what else. (Though it's a little bit ironic because Islam is GOAT of UFC at this point, so calling him goatfucker is a little... well, ironic.)
While he was being online streaming his reaction about said fight.
And people, logically, disliked it.
Because, yeah, think whatever you like, but ... shut the fuck up. At least when you're streaming. I know, emotions and whatever, but as far as I know, it's not only MMA Guru thing.
Islam, Khabib and other Dagestani fighters are often namecalled by UFC fans. And I understand, why.
I understand that this religion and culture is a bit... well not for weak stomachs.
I have (obviously) a lot of opinions about Islam (not Makhachev, that religion).
BUT.
But there is the BUT.
There is difference between explaining what disturbs me and why, and namecalling because dude won the belt over other dude.
I got into the disturbing stuff about Aisha and Prophet Mohammed and women disallowed to say no to sex.
It is what most of Western people won't get over, because, women fought for their freedom of choice for ages and there still are men who would establish those rules if they could in one, two.
I'm not saying everyone, bro, we indeed had (have) those fucked up cases with Christians molesting their own kids and priests molesting ministrants and it's just, the same disgusting stuff. Sure, Atheists do that too. People are just weird.
And normal people are honestly horrified. Whether it's Muslim, Christian, black or white. Or any other colour and religion. (Although, as far as I noticed -I am big watcher of True Crime podcasts- the religious dudes and dudesses are the worst in this whole crap. Mostly dudes, because, as we said, men thinks with their testicles.)
People who seems to be only focused on Muslims doing stuff like that to their women and chilldren, it doesn't mean they don't acknowledge what's going on on our end. And as for the saying that Whites (generally) commits said crimes more than Muslims is because Muslims covers it up. It won't end up in worldwide news. Rarely. But even the rarely is enough for people to be horrified.
Perhaps, because some of those people would like to believe that it's not happening elsewhere.
There's also often said that (I don't know how much it is true or not) Muslims never attacked White women or children in any way. I better to do research, some statistics or whatever, because, I just DON'T. KNOW.
I know about some cases with White woman married Muslim dude because he was nice, charming, blahblahblah... and he then beat the shit outta her and restricted her and shit like that, but I don't know about street cases.
Then, there is the disturbing stuff with goats (also sheep). I don't know and I DON'T WANT to know if some of Dagis ever DID relieve themselves with any kind of animal. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, OKAY?
But truth is, it's allowed... Or at least, it was allowed and perhaps even still is.
(Note - I must google it out)
For West, it's also disgusting. Sure we HAVE zoophilia stuff going on, because people are just unhinged, but for majority, it's just awful. And also, it's crime. In West and perhaps in other cultures and ... I better to do research but I never heard of any other religion or culture except Islam/Middle East to be allowed to have. sex. with. animals.
Another, but not unusual! and not even this disturbing, bro... is marrying cousins.
Dagestan-haters have problem with Khabib Nurmagomedov married his DISTANT cousin. They somehow left out that she wasn't his FIRST cousin. But hundred times removed. From different family branch. They only see the word COUSIN.
And, hey, I understand that it's a bit weird, but, just look at Habsburgs.
Look at Whittaker family. (I'm NOT talking about Robert Whittaker)
Look at ancient Egypt, where girl married her Pharaoh dad, gave birth to Pharaoh's son, which was also Pharaoh's grandson and because girl was also Pharaoh's sister, she gave birth not only to her son, but her cousin and nephew... and then she married that boy when he was Pharaoh... brah.
I somehow believe marrying your cousin-hundred-removed is less evil than this unhinged ancient Egypt mess.
If someone was truly inbred, it was dude who built great pyramid and his sons.. and whatever else they were.
And Habsburgs.
Of course there perhaps are some crossmarriages out of ...uhm...necessity, it's small country etc... but, boy, do you have their DNA results? I doubt that.
And, after all, whoever Islam or Khabib married, how old she was, if they relief on goats or whatever bullshit is said about Muslims whether it's based on facts or not, it has nothing to do with how they fights.
It has completely nothing to do with the results. Islam Makhachev is Welterweight champion.
Deal with it.
As for me, I FIND Islam (the religion) very disturbing because of its view of women. I read that Aisha was badass, educated, and whatever, but, it doesn't mean that other women were or are allowed to be educated and whatever.
Hell they're still victimised! They're not allowed to fight back when man attacks them!
Heck I wish someone would just get it together and learn Muslim women self-defense. And allow them to do combat sports professionally. It's not like they must sport in bra and shorts, there are options.
(And if you guys find distracting that women's clothes are tight, then just learn to ignore that.
If you can train your self-control over this and that, you can train your self-control over women wearing tighter clothes!)
So, lets TL;DR
People (majorly Western) are scared of things they don't know or understand.
Instead of trying to know and understand, they try to insult it or chase it away -in the better scenario.
Islam Makhachev won Welterweight title over Jack Della Maddalena.
Dude who calls himself MMA Guru called Makhachev names while streaming.
Other youtuber called him out for it.
They have a beef, chicken and whatever.
I get why MMA Guru (why the heck is he even calling himself that, ffs) might be uncomfortable with Muslims.
I get why people in general are hateful towards Muslims (however hypocritical it is.)
Islam (the religion) truly HAS disturbing ...rules, history, idk.
I don't like those things too, I'm weirded out, horrified, disgusted.
Anything said DON'T excuse MMA Guru to spit and spew on Islam Makhachev JUST BECAUSE HE WON THE BELT!!!
Say normally "I don't like this and that, because I find it disgusting and weird and dude would be jailed in here."
and go on.
Focus on the fight, bro.
R.
Font.... (not Rob)
Guys... THE WHAT I've been thinking back then with that Schwabach font? (Or whatever it's spelled).
I can't even read it after myself. It's like having dysgraphia online. Bro, I don't even post on this blog, but, when I do, It's bloody event of the year.
What the hell was wrong with me, did I really think it's cool? Was I too "Goth" 2years ago? I mean I'm too old for this crap, but, well... anything can happen when you're mentally ill.
I won't edit it, though. I let it there as eternal reminder of my continual cringeness.
Wonder if I ever mature enough to not be cringe.
Perhaps never.
Whatever.
It is what it is, I should maybe deal with it.
20/12/2023
after all this time?
After a very long time I'm writing on this blog and I have to say I never saw that much of cringe as in my 5 years old posts.
Dang, how much can one change during 5 years? I think a lot, if they wants. Or if it's super necessary because of circumstances.
A lot of shits and bullshits happened with me from my last post on here. Some of them were nicer, some of them were not nice.
Lots of changes occured.
One of changes, big changes, which were happening during the time is, that I went greatly enthusiastic about UFC. Which is fighting organization, for those who might come across this tale and wouldn't know. Or you know what, find it on a Google.
I was always excited about combats, whether it was historical battling with cold weapons, or martial arts where your weapon is your own body, or shooting guns or archery or crossbow.
Unfortunately, if you're daughter of losers, you will never be raised to achieve anything in your life, unless you're brave enough to fuck up. Which I wasn't at all. And if I by a chance tried to be brave and fuck up, it backfired big time. Always.
Anyway.
So, why the shit, my blog was on freeze for so long, and why it will be again after posting this crap?
Because, my lads, every time I start with something, I lose my energy and elan and my cat will start wailing and my focus goes off and blah.
Which is what's happening right now. Without the cat thing. I got fuckingly tired and all my energy and ideas and shits are flooding away from me. Why? I don't know exactly. I might have some clues but, I don't know.
I have a lot of to say and express my ass about a lot of things but I just can't.
Technically, I can. Practically, I cannot.
So, let me just say my regards and maybe once in future good bye.
R.
04/08/2018
Like SGZ
I just ended watching Titanic. I just saw @SUGIZOofficial
post about his helping.
14 days ago I tried to commit suicide. I do not regret that, I am telling this, because I understood lot of things after that.
Until I saw myself in dark place, something important happened. I was born again. I gave birth to myself.
I was so powerless, like children. Before somebody ask me, what kind of suicide I did; I swallowed my psychiatric medicine pills.
I was on ICU for two days, on psychiatric hospital about 14 days +-
I had good and bad moments. But suddenly I felt strong.
I am one day at home. Unfortunately, I'm wasting my time before computer again. But not for long.
I promised to myself, I won't play games anymore and it really starting to bore me.
I don't want to waste my time with computer anymore. I don't want to feel bad all the time and commit suicides when bad. I don't want to live between life and hell of my own mind. I don't want to be ruin, poor thing who is almost each month in psychiatric hospital between druggers, alcoholics, schizophrenic, manic people.
I wanna live my own life, without depressions, bad energies, without tears I can't cry out. Without pills with artifical serotonin hormon.
In hospital, I had a lot of "fans". I was so surprised how they liked me. (out of one bittered woman).
One of them gave me hope to do what I like.
And when I saw Titanic (maybe 6th time), especially that breathtaking end - and I don't really mean this "romantic love" between Jack and Rose - I think, I understood Life and how rare it is and how easy is to loose life.
Then I accidentally opened my twitter account and Sugizo's post hitted me to my eyes like first. He is famous, known, but he took working clothes and went between usual people to help with cleaning flooded places. By his bare hands. Yoshiki donated this place by 10, 000, 000 YEN. It's JUST 87 000 USD. 1 966 000 CZK. What a precious gift from that famous man!
In my country is seweral 2M CZK like nothing. You can buy little renovated flat with most necessarry equipment. You can buy new kitchen, set of furniture. I doubt in Japan is 10 000 000 YEN something better. What they can buy? How long it suffices?
My opinion is that Sugizo's personal help is more useful, than Yoshiki's riddiculous amount.
Yoshiki said "nothing is impossible" and I believe this sentence. But I don't believe Yoshiki at all. He broke all he made. X Japan faded away long time ago. Each member has own life and carreer. X Japan became to be just masquerade for blinded fans. It's sad new, but not unwaited and surprising thing...
But leave my "hater" (dissapointed more) talks about Yoshiki.
Thanks to this all happened, I understood one big thing.
Life is just presence.
Life is yours.
Life doesn't mean donate by money, but go and help by self.
And don't be sure you are not able.
You are strong enough to save yourself.
You are strong enough to help anyone, starting with yourself, ending with thousnad people around you.
Help yourself and heal your life with love.
And be thankfull for all you have.
Thank my roommates in hospital.
Thank you, Titanic.
Thank you, Sugizo.
EDV
I'm sorry for being unclear.
14 days ago I tried to commit suicide. I do not regret that, I am telling this, because I understood lot of things after that.
Until I saw myself in dark place, something important happened. I was born again. I gave birth to myself.
I was so powerless, like children. Before somebody ask me, what kind of suicide I did; I swallowed my psychiatric medicine pills.
I was on ICU for two days, on psychiatric hospital about 14 days +-
I had good and bad moments. But suddenly I felt strong.
I am one day at home. Unfortunately, I'm wasting my time before computer again. But not for long.
I promised to myself, I won't play games anymore and it really starting to bore me.
I don't want to waste my time with computer anymore. I don't want to feel bad all the time and commit suicides when bad. I don't want to live between life and hell of my own mind. I don't want to be ruin, poor thing who is almost each month in psychiatric hospital between druggers, alcoholics, schizophrenic, manic people.
I wanna live my own life, without depressions, bad energies, without tears I can't cry out. Without pills with artifical serotonin hormon.
In hospital, I had a lot of "fans". I was so surprised how they liked me. (out of one bittered woman).
One of them gave me hope to do what I like.
And when I saw Titanic (maybe 6th time), especially that breathtaking end - and I don't really mean this "romantic love" between Jack and Rose - I think, I understood Life and how rare it is and how easy is to loose life.
Then I accidentally opened my twitter account and Sugizo's post hitted me to my eyes like first. He is famous, known, but he took working clothes and went between usual people to help with cleaning flooded places. By his bare hands. Yoshiki donated this place by 10, 000, 000 YEN. It's JUST 87 000 USD. 1 966 000 CZK. What a precious gift from that famous man!
In my country is seweral 2M CZK like nothing. You can buy little renovated flat with most necessarry equipment. You can buy new kitchen, set of furniture. I doubt in Japan is 10 000 000 YEN something better. What they can buy? How long it suffices?
My opinion is that Sugizo's personal help is more useful, than Yoshiki's riddiculous amount.
Yoshiki said "nothing is impossible" and I believe this sentence. But I don't believe Yoshiki at all. He broke all he made. X Japan faded away long time ago. Each member has own life and carreer. X Japan became to be just masquerade for blinded fans. It's sad new, but not unwaited and surprising thing...
But leave my "hater" (dissapointed more) talks about Yoshiki.
Thanks to this all happened, I understood one big thing.
Life is just presence.
Life is yours.
Life doesn't mean donate by money, but go and help by self.
And don't be sure you are not able.
You are strong enough to save yourself.
You are strong enough to help anyone, starting with yourself, ending with thousnad people around you.
Help yourself and heal your life with love.
And be thankfull for all you have.
Thank my roommates in hospital.
Thank you, Titanic.
Thank you, Sugizo.
EDV
I'm sorry for being unclear.
02/07/2018
Against All Odds - part I.
Story for my foxie. 💕
Hide's shoulders were always to bite. Meer couldn't stop to watch him, when he sat in dress room and tuned up his guitar. His fast fingers caressed strings and his red-pink backcombed hair flied gently to rythm.
Meer just wished to touch them, his fingers, his cute shoulders, hold his hands. Always, when he looked at her, and their eyes met, she felt like she would fall into abyss of Space.
She desired for litle more attention, but Hide was just polite and friendly to her.
Meer was melted every time when she heard his sweet voice and her heart beated stronger. He used nice, spiced parfum and when she smelt that mix of it and his own smell and air and together with smoke of cigarettes, she felt weak.
Unfortunately, she was staff of Yoshiki, leader of band and she met Hide sporadic. What was wrong, that Yoshiki "sat down" right on Meer. She did everything bad. He could rip to find any mistake on her work. Pata, Toshi and Heath, handsome young newbie on bass, tried to calm him, but it hadn't sense.
Meer would go away, but she didn't want to leave and never see Hide. "So, why you just don't ask him to go somewhere?" asked Meer Sofia, one of Hide's (lucky) staff. "He's nice person, he won't deny you."
Meer blushed, when she heard Sofia's words. She wanted to answer, but suddenly, from somewhere, appeard Pata and touched Sofia's arms from behind. She startled and teared with shoulder. "You're true, Hide won't deny her, like you denying me..." muttered to Sofia's ear.
"Eeeh, leave me alone, drunkard..." Sofia moved with hand and pulled Pata from herself, without any look. She felt his chest hair under her palm and little sweated, but soft skin and it made her feeling hot, but she just shooked her head to focus back to theme.
Pata only frowned dissapointed and dissapeared. "You likes him." said Meer silently. "Who, Pata?" laughed Sofia shortly. "No..." smirked like disgusted. "He stalks you all the time." noticed Meer. "He's drunk head... Look how much whiskey he drink every day. And how much he smokes." Sofia let Meer to go away from hot theme named Hide.
But just for a while.
"So, leave Pata be Pata... Eh, what did I say? Yes, Hide. He won't deny you if you ask him if he wouldn't go with you anywhere." Meer had bad luck. Sofia came back to convincing her about Hide's nice personality. "Look I know him. I am in contact with him almost every day - when I am not trying to hide me before Pata's pry eyes and fingers - and I can sure you, that Hide is really nice boy!"
Meer felt how her cheeks burning, and decided to use Karma to Sofia. "Why you ran from Pata, actually? He's handsome." smiled she slyly. "Ew, must we really talk about that hairy chubby drunkard?" Sofia smirked really disgusted. "But you like him, admit it. I noticed how you watching him until he won't go near to you." Meer acquired her stability again.
She liked Sofia, she always looked nice and decently, womanly clothed. Meer wasn't surprise, that Pata is mad from her. He lost his head for Sofia from first time when he saw her. First he tried to hide it, but when he was drunk, each barriers fell off and he was like crazy.
Everybody made jokes from him, but still supported him either.
"Look, here's Sofia going." muttered at half mouth Heath, standing beside Pata. Pata looked tired and asleep, but when he heard Heath's silky voice and name 'Sofia', he just woke up.
"Hm, she's with that busty girl who likes Hide." added Heath. "So good looking girl."
"She's staff in Yoshiki's team." muttered Pata with sleepy voice. "I know. How she calls? Maira? Myra?"
"Meer." growled him into ear Hide, which appeard from nowhere, twas his speciality.
"Oh, you remember well her name?" Heath was surprised and looked at his redhaired friend and colleague. "It's not so difficult..." muttered Hide and burned cigarette himself.
Heath shrugged with shoulders. "I am not in love with her, so I can don't remember her name well." said calmly.
"Shut up, Hiroshi." Hide smirked and blew smoke out and looked at these two girls Heat told about.
"She's real woman." muttered, when he watched Meer's body. "Look at her beautiful hair." whispered. "Yes, she's pretty." sighed Heath and took cigarette too. Rather. "Where's Pata?"
Heath looked around, but he didn't see him anywhere. "Talking with Sofia..." said Hide negligently. "Ah, poor Pata. He is mad after her and she does cold." shooked with head and then he leaved Heath and went slowly to Meer, which stood helpless, when Pata just grabbed Sofia's hand with words "we have to talk!" and pulled her away uncompromisingly.
Hide's shoulders were always to bite. Meer couldn't stop to watch him, when he sat in dress room and tuned up his guitar. His fast fingers caressed strings and his red-pink backcombed hair flied gently to rythm.
Meer just wished to touch them, his fingers, his cute shoulders, hold his hands. Always, when he looked at her, and their eyes met, she felt like she would fall into abyss of Space.
She desired for litle more attention, but Hide was just polite and friendly to her.
Meer was melted every time when she heard his sweet voice and her heart beated stronger. He used nice, spiced parfum and when she smelt that mix of it and his own smell and air and together with smoke of cigarettes, she felt weak.
Unfortunately, she was staff of Yoshiki, leader of band and she met Hide sporadic. What was wrong, that Yoshiki "sat down" right on Meer. She did everything bad. He could rip to find any mistake on her work. Pata, Toshi and Heath, handsome young newbie on bass, tried to calm him, but it hadn't sense.
Meer would go away, but she didn't want to leave and never see Hide. "So, why you just don't ask him to go somewhere?" asked Meer Sofia, one of Hide's (lucky) staff. "He's nice person, he won't deny you."
Meer blushed, when she heard Sofia's words. She wanted to answer, but suddenly, from somewhere, appeard Pata and touched Sofia's arms from behind. She startled and teared with shoulder. "You're true, Hide won't deny her, like you denying me..." muttered to Sofia's ear.
"Eeeh, leave me alone, drunkard..." Sofia moved with hand and pulled Pata from herself, without any look. She felt his chest hair under her palm and little sweated, but soft skin and it made her feeling hot, but she just shooked her head to focus back to theme.
Pata only frowned dissapointed and dissapeared. "You likes him." said Meer silently. "Who, Pata?" laughed Sofia shortly. "No..." smirked like disgusted. "He stalks you all the time." noticed Meer. "He's drunk head... Look how much whiskey he drink every day. And how much he smokes." Sofia let Meer to go away from hot theme named Hide.
But just for a while.
"So, leave Pata be Pata... Eh, what did I say? Yes, Hide. He won't deny you if you ask him if he wouldn't go with you anywhere." Meer had bad luck. Sofia came back to convincing her about Hide's nice personality. "Look I know him. I am in contact with him almost every day - when I am not trying to hide me before Pata's pry eyes and fingers - and I can sure you, that Hide is really nice boy!"
Meer felt how her cheeks burning, and decided to use Karma to Sofia. "Why you ran from Pata, actually? He's handsome." smiled she slyly. "Ew, must we really talk about that hairy chubby drunkard?" Sofia smirked really disgusted. "But you like him, admit it. I noticed how you watching him until he won't go near to you." Meer acquired her stability again.
She liked Sofia, she always looked nice and decently, womanly clothed. Meer wasn't surprise, that Pata is mad from her. He lost his head for Sofia from first time when he saw her. First he tried to hide it, but when he was drunk, each barriers fell off and he was like crazy.
Everybody made jokes from him, but still supported him either.
"Look, here's Sofia going." muttered at half mouth Heath, standing beside Pata. Pata looked tired and asleep, but when he heard Heath's silky voice and name 'Sofia', he just woke up.
"Hm, she's with that busty girl who likes Hide." added Heath. "So good looking girl."
"She's staff in Yoshiki's team." muttered Pata with sleepy voice. "I know. How she calls? Maira? Myra?"
"Meer." growled him into ear Hide, which appeard from nowhere, twas his speciality.
"Oh, you remember well her name?" Heath was surprised and looked at his redhaired friend and colleague. "It's not so difficult..." muttered Hide and burned cigarette himself.
Heath shrugged with shoulders. "I am not in love with her, so I can don't remember her name well." said calmly.
"Shut up, Hiroshi." Hide smirked and blew smoke out and looked at these two girls Heat told about.
"She's real woman." muttered, when he watched Meer's body. "Look at her beautiful hair." whispered. "Yes, she's pretty." sighed Heath and took cigarette too. Rather. "Where's Pata?"
Heath looked around, but he didn't see him anywhere. "Talking with Sofia..." said Hide negligently. "Ah, poor Pata. He is mad after her and she does cold." shooked with head and then he leaved Heath and went slowly to Meer, which stood helpless, when Pata just grabbed Sofia's hand with words "we have to talk!" and pulled her away uncompromisingly.
04/04/2017
WHY I LOVE PATA
I was too shalow to him. But it was too many years ago. Now my heart burning just for him. I can't say why. Maybe because he looks like cat and I adore cats very much. xD
But... does Love need a reason?
I knew X-Japan rock band, when I was nineteen. I was person, who was able listen just one band. It starts with German band Cinema Bizarre. And Versailles poster, lol. After Versailles era I had, I started listen X-Japan and KISS. This two bands were LIFE for my hurted heart. But I really had era, when I couldn't X-Japan even see. The last era was last year. After break up with my then boyfriend, catched me another guy and we listened just melodic black metal. I was very unsure and my psyche was broken. So, he broked me all the time...
In June 2016 I came back to X-japan. I don't know why. So, I founded news about them and when I found out, that PATA was in life threat in March 2016... I though I will crazy. It was too from one reason, which I don't wanna to say here. And I am still afraid of him and my only one wish is to protect him. Maybe is well, I found it out after half year from time it happened, because last March I'd be able to commit suicide; I had very, very dark time... Although... I am still ready to die for him. I love my life, I am grateful I can be here and listen his guitar 💖 ... But if it will be in need, I'll die. My life is his life. And if he will die, I will die too. I don't want to be alive without his existencion in this place. X-Japan never will be X-Japan without PATA....
And other reason why I love him is just "father complex" ... I had very bad relation with my father. He was alcoholic, psychical terrorist... and did very untastable thing to my elder sister when she was little child... It's well, he gone... For this Earth...
PATA looks like him a bit, but PATA is STILL more pretty and cute!!! And I think.. He is very kind and calmful. He looks like that. And although he could be my father by age... I love him. I'm burning from and for him. I flied to Wembley just for PATA. Ok, even for Heath and Toshi a bit... But PATA was the bigger reason. I looked at him all concert, if he is alright.
And finally... I don't know if it wasn't just fortuity... but when concert ended and Pata walked away from podium, i screamed as loud as I could "PATA!!!" and he turned again and wawed that way...
So... It's reasons why I love him, but thats are just ... lookeble reasons. Otherwise I really don't know, WHY JUST HE.
I love, very love song "So Far" from him... Tones of strings he made with his fingers at his guitar... Shaking with my heart from first time I heard it... Yes, you are SO FAR... But I love you. Forever.
If someone in borderline personal disorders is able to loving someone forever....
I love you, PATA.
Eirun De Virot
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)